Funny Daytona 500 Conspiracy Guide

[Shay]

From AutoWeek...................

What could be a better feel-good story Sunday than for Dale Earnhardt Jr.--with a new car, team and sponsor--to snag the 50th running of the Daytona 500?

Nothing. Which is why plenty of people think the trophy has already been sent to the engravers. But there could be other factors at work.

As a service to conspiracy theorists and Ron Paul supporters, allow to me to suggest what we'll discuss on talk radio and read on any number of shadowy, password-protected blogs on Monday morning if and when certain drivers win, or do not win, the 500.

1. Tony Stewart doesn't win: Although the practice crash between Stewart and Kurt Busch wasn't Tony's fault, the largely substantiated rumor that he punched Busch as they sat in the NASCAR trailer makes Tony a bad boy, so NASCAR can't let him get to Victory Lane in the biggest race of the year. (Maybe the biggest race ever, or at least since the one with Ben-Hur and those chariots.) Plus, his hair is too long, and he needs to shave a little closer--such as with the blade actually touching his face--plus, Saturday's Nationwide Series win was more than enough for Tony and Toyota, OK?

2. Stewart wins: While the NASCAR brass doesn't feel comfortable with Stewart, they do recognize that the public and media reception to the pronouncement made during the media tour last month that NASCAR would ease up on drivers and let them be themselves was warmly received. So they'll toss the outlaw a bone in hopes of proving to old-school former fans that Jimmie "Vanilla Boy" Johnson does not necessarily speak for all of stock car racing.

3. Kurt Busch doesn't win: Um, that's probably not a conspiracy.

4. Sam Hornish Jr. doesn't win: Two conspiracies for the price of one: NASCAR doesn't like how team owner Roger Penske worked the system to engineer the transfer of points earned last year by Kurt Busch to Hornish, so Hornish can make the first five races without qualifying, with Busch using his past-champion's provisional to get in the field. Plus, NASCAR is just the slightest bit uncomfortable with this exodus of open-wheel drivers to the series, and a win by the Indy 500 winner may not set that well with fans.

5. Dario Franchitti does not win: See "open wheel conspiracy" theory above.

6. Dario Franchitti wins: NASCAR would love to get Mrs. Franchitti, aka hot actress Ashley Judd, on camera at every opportunity. Plus, a win by Franchitti would help draw in that most coveted segment of fans: People who look Italian, and have an Italian name, but are actually from Scotland and speak with a thicker accent than Groundskeeper Willie.

7. Michael Waltrip wins: Toyota's pockets aren't quite so deep after that zillion-dollar contribution to the un-audited NASCAR Widows and Orphans Fund in the Cayman Islands.

8: Kasey Kahne wins: He'll need the money to pay off that guard who did the pratfall at the Homestead-Miami Speedway last November and sued Kasey for strong-arming him.

9. Kasey Kahne doesn't win: Race track security guards are a crafty, tight-knit bunch with resources the rest of us can only imagine.

10. Kyle Petty wins: And promises to retire, immediately.

11. Travis Kvapil wins: NASCAR knuckles under to headline writers across the country who have already set "KVAPIL K-POW!" in 72-point type.

12: Bill Elliott wins: Since Elliott did not actually qualify for the race, the conspiracy theorists may be onto something.

[Mr DayZee]

Is the 3rd gunman on the grassy nole involved in anyway?

[Star Driver]

Attention all Auto Week writers, report first thing Monday morning for drug testing.

[JR'S STAGE2]

I want whatever they are smoking on!!!!!

[03 S3]

So much for a conspiracy!